My fear..had never seen it so deep..and so close..[From the archives]

I remember it was a Thursday evening and it was quite a dull day or may be I felt it was dull because whole day I was busy bidding good-bye to my relatives in my home town Belgaum. For a person who has stayed in a place for 18 years the bond is pretty much a strong one. Although my decision of pursuing an engineering course baffled many of my relatives and family friends; the choice of choosing MS Ramaiah Institute of Technology in Bangalore was also a shocker of a news as it came from a guy who s father is the chairman of a 30 bed hospital in the city. But somehow it was quite a digestible one because my non medical inclinations were very much evident.

I reached Bangalore the next day and waited 2 more days for my Mom to come over to help me get settled in the hostel. And thus begun my journey which I never knew would change my life so much and change me into a person which I am today writing this blog entry. Certainly from my thinking to the rationality of my decisions everything has undergone massive evolution. Atleast for the past one year I was living a dream of a lifetime in this college. From being a part of team which won the VTU Annual fest to visiting Oxford UK for a debate and not to forget the first time I tried behaving like an engineer by carrying a project.Time just flew off amongst various activities like tech fests..organizing department events and moreover being with friends.

About 15 days ago I heard Mam telling me that she wanted to meet the current department students committee to plan events for this semester; and among those events she mentioned our FAREWELL. At first i did not think much about it; but suddenly I went through a time which I feel is the worst of my fears in my lifetime. That evening as I was returning from college to my room I happen to stay in the empty college canteen for sometime.I sat there for about an hour going through a flash back of my college life. First time I got my semester results…first batch trip with friends..time when I failed for the first time in my exams..when I felt lost in crowd..the whole new family I got here in form of my hostel…when I got my first job!Most of all a thought came in which happen to kill all the processes present in my brain.What next in life? Here in college I knew people here..I had a guide who used to help me take steps..friends who used to be around when I needed them..I could live a life which I had dreamt of while coming to Bangalore. And soon all of this was going to end soon. I could no longer have those lazy chats in classes with olive,poo,dhar and aniket…no debates with my debsoc…no more organizing department events which I loved so much…moreover no college life which my body and mind had got so used to and just could not think anything like coming out of it.I still remember that night I neither could have my dinner nor sleep well and slowly I started sinking in the greatest fear of my life. I began thinking about it almost everytime I was idle and thanks to just 3 days of class it just multiplied. With me imprisoned in deep thoughts of this fear frustration crept in and my insecurities just crawled into my life. Dont know my replies and attitude towards everything in life changed. Soon the questions also increased..How would be my job? Would my boss treat me same way as my guide here? Would I ever get a chance to do things that i loved..organize..debate..public…in short live the dream which i was doing till now!! Whole of this continued for a week or two..I just could not do anything! Nor did I know why was I so irritated in life..I would plant myself in front of the comp and watch movies at a stretch..or just shut my eyes and sleep away to glory unaware of the world around. But slowly I guess this fear is vanishing because I certainly am seeing my relations around getting affected due to this behavior. Even now as I write this blog; not that I have grown out of that fear but still I am trying to live every moment of my life here and do all the things which i loved doing here..I know it shows me getting emotionally drained here..but still this fear which I have seen will help me grow a lot stronger and humane in my life..

Love you friends..Love you MSRIT…Love you Life!

Feb 2010


2 thoughts on “My fear..had never seen it so deep..and so close..[From the archives]

  1. Hi Ashwath,
    Very well written blog, made me travel to my own phase of life which everyone thinks is glorious!
    Keep it up

  2. The entire blog reminded me of my college days wid four of my lovely among them is” supriya”..who is gng to be ur soulmate soon…i hope her sweetness would add much more colors to ur life hitting back ur “FEAR” and bringing more of joy n happiness..

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